Ask a man whether he thinks he’s good in bed and he’s probably going to say yes every time. Men are like that. Unfortunately, research suggests the opposite is true. A massive survey of 52,000 adults found that straight men experience the most frequent orgasms across the sexuality spectrum but provide the least, suggesting that us dudes are either unapologetically selfish or woefully uneducated. In fact, lesbian women experience more frequent orgasms than bisexual women because bisexuals have such unsatisfying sex with men.
So what’s the deal here? Are straight men to blame for sad lovemaking, or is this all a cruel coincidence? According to the study’s lead author, David Frederick, heterosexual males are simply lazy. To curb this trend, Frederick advises men learn from the best by watching lesbian sex and place less emphasis on penetration and more on oral, as cunnilingus influences orgasm frequency. Indeed, fewer than half of couples incorporate oral sex when being intimate.
But why have men have become comfortable with lazy lovemaking? Playboy took the question to Alexis Thomas, owner and manager of sex boutique Taboo Tabou. “Men underperform in bed because we’ve allowed them to underperform,” she wails. “If you look at the different types of sexual education we receive growing up—through school, culture, religion, media—we’re told about male pleasure because the male orgasm leads to reproduction. This has prepared women to accept bad sex.” She adds, “If you look at almost every female-skewed magazine today, there is almost always a feature on how to give great blowjobs when male magazines almost never mention cunnilingus.” (Aside from Playboy, that is.)
“Cunnilingus, which typically orbits on the clitoris, is the go-to for women who want to orgasm with their partner but prefer not to masturbate or use a sex toy to achieve it,” Katy Zvolerin, clinical sexologist and Director of Public Relations of adameve.com, says of the growing number of women who prefer cunnilingus over penetration. “Unlike intercourse, which is mutually pleasurable, cunnilingus is solely about the woman which takes a lot of pressure off the female to ‘perform’.”
Oral sex is a big deal for men, too. New survey research of 1,500 Europeans and Americans found that 20 percent of men would not date somebody who had a personal objection to oral sex, compared to 15 percent of women. Likewise, 86 percent of men and nearly three-quarters of women said they would date somebody who lacked skills in the bedroom if they were great at oral sex.
The roblem is women will perform oral sex, and men won’t. Research published in The Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality revealed straight women are more than twice as likely to perform oral sex on their partners than men are, though they enjoy performing the act way less. This selfish behavior has further influenced the orgasm gap, which already leans in men’s favor.
So let’s work on closing that gap, alright? Only 18 percent of women can climax from vaginal intercourse alone. If you truly want to be a brag-worthy conquest, you need to give the clitoris some attention. How? Two-thirds of women say they enjoy indirect pressure around the clitoris, which can be done with your tongue or fingers. Most agree they enjoy gentle brushes over the clitoris, followed by gentle, circular motions. For best results, experiment and see which works best for your partner.
A woman may also prefer cunnilingus over penetration because the latter rarely offers clitoral stimulation, or because penetration can be painful. Zvolerin mentions the attention and adoration the act provides are also important. But be warned, these techniques aren’t instant orgasm spells. It will usually take a woman around 20 minutes to orgasm from oral sex alone.
For many, oral sex is still the appetizer for the main course: penetration. Zvolerin advises you must first communicate your likes and dislikes with your partner. For instance, begin by asking if she prefers slow deep strokes, or short quick ones. During sex, ask if what you’re doing feels good and keep an eye out for verbal and nonverbal signs that she’s enjoying herself.
Prolonged foreplay, lubricant and hands-free sex toys (Zvolerin recommends a couples’ cock ring to entice clitoral stimulation) can add new and worthwhile sensations to the experience. “Porn is the ultimate sex education but typically only rotates around male pleasure,” Thomas says. She recommends men watch feminist fare filmed by female directors like Erika Lust for intel on what women fantasize about sexually. “Literally, 10 minutes and you’ll walk away with a new skill set in the oral sex department.”
Obviously, the absence of education and discussion is a big reason why men are less skilled and even less willing to get better at performing cunnilingus. So hopefully this article, and more like it, will help change that. Once that occurs, instead of saying you’re good in bed, put your mouth to better use and prove it.