Too old to Rock ‘n Roll
Too young to die

I always find it strangely pleasing when women start moaning about how older men are forever targeting younger women. Ditching the wife and then going for a younger model, like exchanging the rattling, out-of-warranty Land Rover Discovery for a sparkling new funky Evoque.

Women have selective memories and tend to forget that it was they who started this trend when still at school. Girls do so love to tell us how they mature quicker and how their superior needs and tastes (at that age) require a man to match. Consequently, in their quest for experience and maturity, as soon as they felt the desire to loosen their bra straps and experiment sexually they were off, all a flutter for seniors, leaving boys their own age sitting in class discussing football.

By the time we boys had reached puberty, stopped pulling faces at the thought of girls and finally twigged that it might be a good idea to check what was inside their underwear, girls our own age were already at third base with that dashing but irritating prat from the upper school.

When I was 15 I had a crush on this girl called Pamela who, in terms of maturity was quite a dazzling spectacle – very ahead of the curves. We were trundling along quite nicely – I thought; you know, heavy petting, until Richard arrived in his Triumph Spitfire and literally swept her off her feet. Three years older with a sports car, assumed experience, and a brilliant 1st team rugby player… I stood no chance and returned home on my bicycle, deflated and defeated, to sulk in my bedroom (for about three years!).

So it was with a mild touch of irony that I actually married somebody 18 years younger. It makes genetic sense. Men will always target a woman who will provide him with healthy child-bearing and child-rearing capabilities – even if modern man may not be that interested in children himself. This primeval instinct is embedded deep within his psyche and it’s a good thing, otherwise the species ” Human ” would have died out about 10 million years ago.

But wait; in a rush of defiance, the current rumoured “trend” in Hollywood is now for older women to date younger men. Although the motive for these men may very well be experimental – answering the boyhood fantasy; what is it like to go out with an older woman, a MILF? Images of The Graduate with Dustin Hoffman banging Mrs Robinson, return, Demi Moore and Ashton… as I type, a 22-year-old Jesus Luiz, Madonna’s lover for a year – has asked her to marry him. At 53, she isn’t exactly falling over herself to say “I do” for the third time and share her $700 million fortune. But Jeezus, Jesus, I applaud your chutzpah.

The problem for women with a younger man is; as soon as the age gap is more than four years he enters the realms of toyboy. Women are trying to put it out that this trend is gathering momentum with a website – www.toyboywarehouse.com – but I don’t buy it. Witness those “taste the locals” female fantasy tours where single European and American women are parachuted into a discreet, exotic palm-fringed African resort that just happens to be littered with smiling, very attentive young local men with marvelous physiques.

Ssssh! Don’t tell. What goes on in Sierra Leone may very well stay in Sierra Leone but this phase is short lived. Judging from my observations; nothing turns a woman off promiscuity faster than a burning sensation in the nether regions. Or being the one to always be footing the bill. I read the other day of this English woman (mid 50s) who built up a rapport with a 24-year-old “handsome” Nigerian over the Internet. They talked about meeting but, come the moment; the snag was he couldn’t get out of the country until he’d paid off this “small” R480,000 debt. And she sent it to him never to hear from him again!

Women over 40 generally want a genuine relationship and if the sex is “pleasing,” great. Toyboys generally want a selfish shag and generally can’t spell “relationship.” Socially, a middle-aged woman with a toyboy is the equivalent of some fat, ugly middle-aged businessman with a diminutive, obedient Thai or Russian bride on his arm. And just as he stands out like a social outcast, a woman of noble age looks ridiculous with some geek in baggy-jeans hanging off his ass, his branded boxers showing and lumo laces undone in wedged takes.

This is good news for me. Now that I am back on the dating market I’ve quickly worked out that I am no longer attractive to anyone under 40. So I have shifted my strategy accordingly. There is a wealth of single women – with or without children – aged from 40-50 who are attractive, intelligent, smart, stylish, sassy and very sexy. Choose me!

by Paul Kerton

Published by Playboy South Africa April 2012

Paul was minding his own business in London when he got the call to edit the first South African PLAYBOY, which ignited his love affair with South Africa. He was launch editor of Men’s Health and has written for Cosmopolitan, Elle, Esquire, GQ, Tatler (UK), and worked at executive level on the world’s top selling newspapers; Sunday Telegraph, Sunday Express and Sunday Mirror.