Back in the day, someone (obviously someone with curly hair) decided enough was enough. They were tired with trying to control their rampant thicket of hair, and hats just weren’t cutting it anymore. Back then, they probably just went into the kitchen, dipped into the pot of lard or the cooking oil, and let at it… and hey presto, the greased-back look was born!

Made popular with the aristocracy at the time, eventually smelling like a greased pancake didn’t really cut it with the ladies anymore, so beeswax and apple pulp became a more common substitution in the interests of not chasing away women with your stench. This has evolved very slowly through the years (via a session with wigs, a period of time many judges seem to be particularly fond of) until the more expressive hairdos of the 60s and 70s started placing higher demands on hair hold-ability.

Suddenly hair gel was an accepted element of the modern guy’s grooming routine; if you weren’t a construction worker or a welder with a helmet on each day, you styled your hair. Even guys with longer hair started to use the stuff, to help tame the mess. And since all of the people who know about such things relating to grooming have rushed in and started throwing science around, we’ve ended up with just about every different version of hair holding-up-stuff they can come up with. Prepare yourself, then, for a journey into the sticky situation that is hair care.

What’s out there?

We all know the regular pig snot gel, that stuff that comes out of the oversized toothpaste tube and makes your hair stiff enough to deflect small calibre gunfire… but there are more options available, if you aren’t into wearing armour when you go out. Hair wax is a popular option, as it gives you control over where your hair ends up but doesn’t freeze the result in stone. This usually comes in tubs, and lasts forever if you don’t use it like a sex lube… Then there are some of the newer products out there which come in a non-aerosol spray version, which is a nice balance between the above, both in terms of holding hair and usability. Finally, there’s the proper old school option of a pomade, which gives you the slicked back look that your Great Uncle John made so famous. What flavour are you?

Gels

As with everything, not all hair gels are made equally. Most contain Cationic polymers, which is naturally one of the main functional components of hair gel. The positive charges in the polymers cause it to stick to your negatively charged hair (bet you didn’t know that!), and then some of that aforementioned science stuff happens, the alcohol base evaporates off and there you go. Those that go the extra mile add hair restorative and moisturizing properties, which all sounds a bit, umm, limp-wristed until you realise this means your hair gleams like you’ve been at the Bob Martins.
Now also available without the shine, courtesy of a number of new matt gels, Like Schwartzkopf’s [3D]MENSION Strong hold gel (R260).

Hair Spray

If you use hair spray from an aerosol can, you’re probably missing out on a promising career in 80’s film. As such, the sprays we’re talking about are not those, but the pump action variety like the OSiS range from Schwarzkopf (R241) or Alberto VO5’s Control-it crème (R42). These kinda give the hold of a gel, but with the potential to style your hair without getting any gel on your mitts if you’re useful with a brush. These things matter to some people, but I find they tend to go a bit all-over-the-place. Still, does what it says on the tin, it’s not as heavy as a gel in your hair, and you use less than you’d expect. Not a bad option, then.

Waxes

These puppies come in soooo many different varieties that I’ll just sort of clump them all together for expediency now. Generally the wax is made up of alcohol oils with added fibres/grittiness/Hoff essence added, then gets thrown in a tub and shipped off to your eagerly awaiting mullet. Rub a bit of one of these on your hands and go nuts. They tend to be lower on the shiny factor, and they stay soft, so if you get lucky that night you won’t impale the poor lady’s finger when she starts getting handsy… although she might end up a little greasy after.

Pomade

For the Old School, from the era when they still spelt it correctly. This (not this one, but you know what I mean) is what Great Gramps used to pop into his hair before Sunday service at the church. Hell, even his Great Gramps did so, back in the 19th Century. It’s that typical greased-back high-gloss hair product, high in oily factor and only really usable as a daily vibe if you are a mobster. Good for a suave black tie look, but you’ll probably have one of the above on the shelf next to it as well. This is apparently where the apple pulp was once an added ingredient; mashed apple in your hair. Riiiight, that seems entirely normal. No trace of that rubbish in the newer varieties though.

A big part about using hair styling products is having some hair to style in the first place. So if you’ve decided this is something that needs sorting out and are trying some hair replacement therapies, chances are, you’ll probably be taking one of these…

Finasteride: This is a prescription-only tablet, which you chomp down once a day. What it does for you is stop testosterone from being converted into DHT, which translates to an almost complete halt to hair loss, and regeneration for as long as you continue to take the pill. This does mean that you’ll be taking it continuously, but it is highly effective at combating and reversing the hair loss already experienced, so you make your choice…

Minoxidil: If you prefer the idea of polishing your pip with a cream, this puppy is for you. This is available over-the-counter in South Africa, making it somewhat easier to get, but has not proven to be as successful at regenerating new hair growth as the tablet option described above. It is also a bit of a mystery drug, with scientists unable to figure out how it works, only that it does. A stronger form is available overseas via prescription, but this is not available in SA.

Other than these two options, there is always the option of going under the knife. This path has varying degrees of efficacy, depending on the type of condition to be treated, and the surgical procedure used. Generally, for disfigurements like burns, surgery will be the best option, using skin grafts or just removing the area of affected scalp. This is, however, considered to be cosmetic surgery, and requires the (very expensive) services of a highly-trained plastic or cosmetic surgeon.

So there you go. If your pip is losing hair faster than a swimwear model’s hoo-ha and it’s eroding your self-confidence, there are a number of different options available to you to restore your dignity… just don’t expect it to be a quick and/or cheap process. As an interesting aside, in the compilation of this article I have asked the opinion of a number of ladies on the subject, and many of them said that it isn’t the issue many blokes seem to think it is. A couple of them even confessed to finding a smooth pate rather sexy! So if your genetics have dealt you a low card, why not just shave it all off and go with the Telly Savalas look? That dude was a player…

 

Text: Tim Houghton

Published in Playboy South Africa