I was talking to this girl once, and she was going on and on about how much she loves Jerry Seinfeld. “He’s the funniest guy on the planet,” she told me. “Every joke he does just makes me scream with laughter.” Being a curious person, I asked her if, given the chance, she’d fuck Jerry Seinfeld. “Oh God no,” she said without thinking about it. “Just because I think he’s funny doesn’t mean I want to have sex with him.” Well, I inquired, what does make you want to have sex with a guy? And I swear to you, the first thing out of her mouth was “A sense of humor.”
It’s like a Pavlovian thing with women. Ask them what they’re looking for in a man, and more often than not they’ll tell you, “Somebody who makes me laugh.” But I’m here to tell you, as a man who has made his living in comedy for more than three decades, that women are full of shit. Being funny (and I have occasionally been funny) has never gotten me laid in my life. I’m sure you find that shocking. “You mean Gilbert Gottfried isn’t constantly beating off women with a stick?” you’re no doubt wondering. Well, I’m definitely beating. I’m beating every night. In fact, I want to stop writing this article right now so I can return to the beating. The fact that I spend so much time beating should tell you everything you need to know.
If women were really attracted to a sense of humor, they’d be trampling over Johnny Depp to get to Jay Leno. They’d be pushing Ryan Gosling out of the way to grope the ample buttocks of Larry the Cable Guy. It’s not like women everywhere are waking up in the middle of the night, sweaty from another erotic dream, and shouting out, “Shemp!” But the myth endures. I remember reading an interview with the model Rachel Hunter, and she was explaining why she married Rod Stewart, a guy 24 years her senior. She said (and I’m paraphrasing), “Rod Stewart is living proof that a man can laugh a woman into bed.” Well, yes, of course, I’m sure his one-liners were all it took. That and being one of the richest, most famous rock stars in the world. But no, it was totally his ease with a clever limerick that made her drop her panties for an old geezer with liver spots.
Guys are constantly being told that a good personality is the only thing that matters to women. “If you can make her smile, it doesn’t matter what you look like.” I know this girl who prides herself on being attracted to nerdy guys. But still she has slept only with a veritable who’s who of handsome rock stars. She’s a model (of course), and she worked for a day on some movie with George Clooney. She told me, “I wasn’t impressed with his stardom, and I didn’t think his looks were all that great. But he was genuinely funny.” Horseshit! If he wasn’t good-looking or famous, nobody would notice his sense of humor. It’s like those women who claim they have crushes on Woody Allen or Larry David. If you’re looking for a Larry David type, they’re everywhere. You want a bald Jew with glasses and an acerbic sense of humor, I could fix you up no problem. But they’re making $7.25 an hour bagging groceries at Whole Foods.
I can only talk from personal experience. For all I know, other comedians are getting more pussy than a veterinarian. But not me. I don’t have groupies. I’ve never had a girl come up to me after a show and say, “That was the funniest act I’ve ever seen. I want to fuck and suck you all night.” That doesn’t happen. I’ve had a few close calls. By which I mean complete misunderstandings on my part. There have been several times when a girl has approached me after a show to tell me how funny I am and then said, “What are you doing tonight?” And I say, “Nothing.” And she says, “You want to come out and do something?” And I say yes because I’m almost positive by “something” she means me. I mean, seriously, who invites a stranger to “do something” after 2:00am if it doesn’t involve one (or both) of us visiting a free clinic the next morn- ing? But then invariably she says, “That’s great. I’ll tell my boyfriend. He’s coming with us.”
Maybe you don’t believe me. Maybe you think there’s still hope. “If I can just be more Gottfried-esque,” you’re thinking, “I’ll get more tail than a Secret Service agent in Colombia.” First of all, thanks for the compliment. And second of all, you’re a delusional fool. You might as well be taking dieting tips from Kirstie Alley. But if you really want my advice, here it is. If a woman is laughing at everything you say, she already plans to fuck you. That’s all there is to it. Your jokes don’t have to be any good, because she’s not really listening. If she’s planning to fuck you, she’ll laugh. And if she’s not, she won’t. End of story.
So if you want to use comedy to get a woman into bed, here’s what you need to do. Find a girl desperate enough to fuck you. Then everything you say will be comedy gold. She’ll be falling out of her chair in hysterics like you’re one of the Marx Brothers. And isn’t that what every woman today is looking for, a guy who reminds her of a vaudeville act from 100 years ago? Every 18-year old girl out there, the first thing she says about a guy she finds attractive is “He’s as funny as the Marx Brothers. I mean when they were at Paramount, not when they switched over to MGM and were listening to Irving Thalberg.” I think it’s pretty obvious I have my finger on the pulse of modern womanhood. You want the cold hard truth? A sense of humor means nothing. There’s only one secret to being attractive to the opposite sex, and I’m going to share it with you today.
My limited success with the opposite sex isn’t due to my lovable personality or my skill at delivering perfectly timed punch lines.
The only reason I’ve ever convinced a woman to sleep with me is because of my enormous cock. Sorry.
BY GILBERT GOTTFRIED
ILLUSTRATION BY PHILIP BURKE
Published in Playboy South Africa May 2014