Christmas comes only once a year – which doesn’t mean she has to. Want to give her a multi-orgasmic gift that she will never forget? Well, you have it all at your fingertips…

Presenting a women with the ultimate orgasm is merely not a matter of grinding away hoping that she will finally succumb and shudder off into the sunset with an orgasm. Oh no. To give her the best orgasm of her life, you have to start at the very beginning. Let‘s call it the START button.

Every woman has one. It loves a tongue-lashing or two, a good thumbs up and likes to be the centre of attention.

Of course I am talking about the concentrated C. The magical Ms Clitoris. For centuries this start button to the Female Orgasm has been ignored, but she has finally come out to play. All you have to do is to press start, and then… turn the key and watch her go.

Although there are some dispute about the origin of the name clitoris it is alleged to be derived from the Greek kleis, which means “key”. The clitoris is then very much the key to the female orgasm. A key that can unlock ecstasy…

The first thing you need to know about Ms C is that she is definitely female. In fact, when the foetus is developed the genitalia first appear as female. In the case of a male baby testosterone will kick in at eight weeks and a penis will be formed. In a female, it will gestate as the clitoris. This little object of pleasure has exactly the same parts as a penis – it is just arranged differently. Also, the clitoris and penis share the same function – to produce an orgasm.

For a quick anatomy lesson and to get your  tongue around the C-word, it goes like this: That little tip that you will find when you go exploring is literarily the “tip of the iceberg.” Beneath it lies a myriad of orgasm-producing structures which can cause a serious pleasure melt-down.

Now for the technical explanation: The clitoris has 18 parts – the little tip that you can see is called the glans and it is nestled inside the lips or labia minora. It also has a little hood, which is the same as your foreskin. If you go inside, you will feel a shaft that is an inch long and attached to the tip. There will also be a urethral sponge that you can feel through the roof of the vagina. From then on it goes under the radar with a complex tangle of vessels, blood and muscles. This all works together to produce the Great Ohhhhhh-rgasm.

Confused? Don’t be. All you really need to take from this is that the clitoris is an orgasm-producing organ in the female body and should never, ever be ignored.

For centuries the C was either seen as the source of all evil and amputated (horrifically this practice still exists today in certain cultures) or brushed away as being merely an undeveloped penis. Male scientists considered the clitoris a useless piece of tissue that confirmed their view that women were inferior. Then, it was officially rediscovered in 1559 by Columbus. No, not Christopher Columbus, the famous explorer, although this one (Renaldus) did indeed discover a very important continent – the Continent of Clitoris.

Centuries later Dear Doctor Sigmund Freud got his hands on the Ms C and his final verdict was quite damning. Women, he said, play with their little Ms C until they become aware that it is not nearly as great and big as the real thing (the male penis). Then they start hating their mothers and lusting after their fathers and penile gratification. (Or something like that…)

Freud, in his own charming way, concluded that the clitoral orgasm was inferior to the vaginal orgasm. Therefore women were told to ignore Ms C. To leave it alone and wait for the real thing. However, Ms C was getting tired of all the ignorance and of being ignored. She was about to burst upon the scene…

The first to come to grips with the real purpose of the clitoris was Dr Alfred Kinsey in the fifties and the sexual research team Masters and Johnson in the sixties. Ms C was found to be the originator of orgasms. Since the clitoris has more nerve endings (about 8,000 more, in fact!) than a vagina, it was estimated that the clitoris could also produce not only one, but multiple orgasms. Around the world, millions of women perked up.

The feminists, hell-bent on doing everything for themselves without male input, jumped on this information. You see, what all this biological data meant was that a female did not need penetration (i.e, a man) to reach orgasm. Sisters could do it for themselves. And how! In fact, another scientist, Shere Hite, advocated in the

Hite Report that women should learn to pleasure themselves to experience firsthand what an orgasm is like and how to achieve it.

It was whispered that clitoral stimulation could not only produce multiple orgasms but even female ejaculation – anything from a damp spot to a full-on flood. If men had ignored Ms C up to then, they suddenly became interested. In the porn industry the female ejaculation is eloquently referred to as gushing or squirting, which always brings to my mind a whale spraying water out of its blowhole. In truth, female ejaculation is considered a thing of beauty and a sensual spectacle to behold amongst lovers of the female body.

How does this work? Well, we have to go to the urethra again. (Need directions? Drive up the road until you reach a T-junction and turn sharp right, slightly uphill.) Now let’s move on to the spongy tissue that surrounds it. Inside this sponge there are 30 or more tiny glands. Why this sponge is so important, is that it is the site of the famous G-spot. For some women this is an Oh-so-sensitive spot. According to the latest research data, the clear fluid (the female ejaculate) comes from two ducts on either side of the sponge and if you press there, the ducts will open – pretty much like a spraying system.

Enough of the biology lesson. Let’s get down and dirty. Want to give her the best clitoral Xmas ever? Then here are the Sin, Sushi & Seduction guidelines:

1. Slippery when wet is a good thing. In other words, lubrication, lubrication, lubrication.

2. Use the rule of thumb. Most women can’t resist the firm pressure of a smooth and wet digit.

3. Let her moans guide you regarding how hard or fast you should go.

4. Get under the hood. Don’t be afraid to lift and glide back the little hood on the clitoris and gently give it the flick of a tongue.

5. Keep on going until she is on the brink. Pull back. Take her there again. Pull back. Then enter. Researchers have found that a penis, vibrator or too many fingers may block the little ducts that cause the female ejaculation. So perhaps it’s better to take it one step at a time. Then… go for it.

Of course, every woman is different, and not all cliteratti are equal. Still – wouldn’t it be nice if you give her a hand and she and she showers you with gratitude?

Merry Xmas!


by Erla-Mari Diedericks

Published Playboy SA December 2011