Aaaaa…nal

I was first introduced to anal sex at the age of 19 by a Lebanese boyfriend honour-bound to keep my virginity intact. The deed occurred on a hot summer’s night in his parent’s house in Bloemfontein while his grandmother shuffled down the corridor. I am still slightly anal about the whole thing.

After a few near misses and hits, I finally came to the conclusion that anal sex is like olives or whiskey. It is an acquired taste. It could even be something you have to grow into.

Nooooo… says a friend who dishes it up like a treat for her husband once in a while – you must RELAX into it. Ah! That sounds easy enough. Or is it?

Have you ever tried prodding a sea anemone? The minute you stick your finger into its soft centre it contracts. Now, I don’t know about other people, but I immediately go into anemone-action the minute ANYTHING approaches my rear end. Not to mention that I start clenching my buttocks in a desperate attempt to make my bum look smaller.

The anal-allowing friend, let’s call her Ramone, is no sea anemone.
“Breathe,” she says. “Just BREATHE into it, Darling. Open wide, breathe and maybe… in the beginning… you should think of something else.”
Wait a minute.

I heard this all before. You guys won’t know this, but this is standard gynae-chat when you go for your annual check-up and they insert a large metal speculum up your fanny. This speculum looks like a cross between a spanner and an ice cream scoop. Google it. Be prepared to scream in horror like a girl. Anyway, when the kind doctor inserts this instrument of torture into you, he always starts by saying, “Now just relax. Breathe into it. Think happy thoughts.” Some doctors have tricks up their sleeves. Mine always tells me a joke, gets me to laugh (which relaxes the muscles) and then tells me to cough. As I cough, he slides it in.

“Perhaps men should use the coughing technique to get it in,” I muse to Ramone.  She laughs. “That might work. That, and lots and lots of lubrication.” Over the next week my probing into the dark and musky world of anal sex brings a few interesting findings to light. One is that if you want to get a woman to try it, never, ever mention that you prefer anal because it is tighter than vaginal. NEVER. EVER. Unless you have a death wish. Also, make sure that you know what you’re doing or she will be once prodded, twice shy.

“Two words,” says my male friend the Anal Annihilator. “Patience. And lubrication. You will need lots and lots of both.”
I go online and read a how-to-manual on anal sex. First one finger. Then two. On and on you progress until she is ready to cough and take the full brunt of your manhood. I mention this to my anti-anal friends. To stir the pot, so to speak.
“Come on, ladies. Just lube it and try it. You never know…” I say.
I unleash a tirade.

Friend One shrieks: “I am a sissy! Even if my surname is Lubrication I will not bend over for anal. NEVER!” Friend Two is a bit more blunt: “I do not share my ass with anyone.” However, it is Friend Three who has the final say: “This is my exit, not my entry. Why do they wanna go through the back door when I have an eat-sum-more cookie? One bite and you are hooked.” This is the one extreme. These women will slam their backdoors in your face. Then there are the ones who will open it – if you have the right key. “I do not like to be pressured into it. Also, if a woman is not ready for it or interested in it, she is going to derive no pleasure from it. Anal can be amazing, but then it should be a joint decision. He should make it part of foreplay, gently slip it in… sort of like an injection,” says The Artist, a beautiful woman desired by all.

It is no coincidence that she refers to anal as an injection – since it can hurt as much as it can sexually sedate. The thing is, you can romanticise and kinkify anal as much as you like, but in the end you have to face the biological facts – the rectum is not designed for a penis. In the 18th Century anal sex was referred to as “navigation of the windward passage.” This passage is held shut by two rings of muscles or sphincters.

The interesting fact is that while you can control the outer muscle and relax it or not, you don’t have similar control over the inner muscle which closes automatically if not in use. The inner muscle needs to be relaxed with a lubed finger or toy. Once you go past the muscles, the rest of the passage is not straight like the vagina. Oh, no. Prepare yourself instead for a few twists and turns. This, of course, also means that you can’t simply barge in there and go bananas. You need to navigate the windward passage GENTLY into the dark and stormy night. So, on I go, carefully navigating the windward passages of people’s opinions, fears and fantasies. Most of my women friends say they have tried it, but that it is not as much about pleasure as it is about the role-playing that it suggests. They huskily tell me about the eroticism of submission, of forcefulness and being overpowered. Still I keep on asking, probing passages that should not be probed.

Then I find her. An anal goddess. A woman who rides back saddle. A woman with her back door wide open. I ask her to describe anal sex to me, and this is what she writes:  “I love anal sex. I love it because it’s just so naughty. I love that it’s our secret. I love it because it’s so tight, I love it that he’s in control, I love it that he’s dominating me, I love it that it hurts just a bit and I love that he knows it. I love it that he’s gentle, I love the way he looks at me when he’s inside me – I love that naughty glow in his eyes, and I could cum me a river just looking into his eyes. “Mostly it’s that intimacy that I love the most. There is nothing much more intimate than this. And some of the most mind-blowing orgasms I have ever had have been during anal sex. I swear I have a G-Spot in my Botty. We’ll have to call it a B-Spot. “And yes, I’ll admit – I LOVE it that some women are too prudish to try it out enough to realise they love it. I have no doubt that he’ll remember me, forever. Me and my tight ass…” If anal sex is on your bucket list or more likely your fuckit list, then by all means do not let the opportunity pass you by should it ever arise. Just remember: TLC, boys. TLC. Touch. Lubrication. And Common Sense.

If it does not give, don’t be an ass and force the issue. If she is not panting with passion, put it away.
However, if she smiles and opens wide, then here’s to you. Bottoms up!

On a serious note: Anal sex can transmit AIDS and STIs. You can also pick up bacterial infections from the bugs naturally present in the gut. Wear a condom and never alternate between the anus and vagina during anal intercourse as it can increase the risk of infection.

by Erla-Marie Diedricks
Published by Playboy South Africa April 2012